How to Cut Your Wedding Guest List (Without Starting a Family Feud)

The way to cut a wedding guest list without starting a feud is to stop making decisions about individual people and start making rules. Fix your number first, sort everyone into tiers, agree a handful of rules that apply to every side of the family equally, and give each set of parents a set allocation. Then the rules make the cuts, and nobody can say you singled them out.

It still won’t be painless. But “we didn’t invite any colleagues” is a much easier sentence to say than “we didn’t invite you”. Here’s how to cut your wedding guest list step by step, with the maths that makes the case and a few scripts for the conversations you’re dreading.

Start with the number, not the names

Two things set your limit: how many people the venue seats comfortably, and how many you can afford to feed. Write the smaller of the two at the top of the page before anyone mentions a name. Our guide to choosing a wedding venue explains why the seated-dinner number is the one that counts.

Then agree that the number is the number. Start with the names and hope a venue will fit them, and the list is too long before you’ve begun.

What each extra guest really costs

Catering alone typically runs from about R350 to R1 200 a head in South Africa, depending on the menu and level of service, according to Bridebook’s South African figures. But every guest brings more than a plate. Here’s the sum with illustrative figures, not quotes, so swap in your own:

On those numbers, twenty fewer guests saves R22 000. Costs also jump at thresholds: two more tables need two more centrepieces, a guest list that outgrows the venue needs a bigger tent or a different venue, and an outdoor site needs more toilets. For the full picture, see how much a wedding costs in South Africa.

Sort everyone into an A list and a B list

Write down everyone who could conceivably be invited, then sort them:

• A list: the people whose absence would be noticed on the day. Parents, grandparents, siblings, the wedding party, your closest friends and the relatives you actually see.
• B list: people you’d love to have if there’s room. Cousins you see at Christmas, friends from university, neighbours.
• C list: people you feel you should invite. Your parents’ friends you’ve never met, the colleague who sits next to you, the couple who invited you to their wedding six years ago.

If the A list alone fills the venue, the B and C lists are done. If there’s room, you can send B-list invitations as A-list declines come in, as long as they go out early enough not to look like second thoughts. Six weeks before the wedding is the latest; our invitation timeline has the details.

Agree rules, and apply them to everyone

Rules work because they’re impersonal. Pick the ones that suit you, then apply them to both families and both sets of friends without exception:

• The haven’t-met rule. If neither of you has met them, they’re not invited, however close they are to your parents.
• The two-year rule. If you haven’t seen or spoken to them in two years, they don’t make the cut.
• Plus-ones. Married, engaged and live-in partners are invited; new boyfriends and girlfriends aren’t. Our guide to plus-ones and children has more on drawing the line.
• Children. None, only family, or only the flower girl and page boy. Whichever you choose, apply it to your sister’s children too.
• Colleagues. All of your team or none of them. Only invite people from work you’d see outside work.
• The dinner test. Would you have them round for a braai at your house? If not, they don’t need to come to your wedding.

The rule that causes the most trouble is the one you break once. Invite one cousin’s new partner and every cousin has a case.

Give parents a fair allocation

Parents often have their own lists: friends, colleagues, people from church, family friends you last saw at your christening. When parents are contributing to the wedding, they reasonably expect a say. That’s fine, as long as it’s a number rather than an open door.

Common ways to split it:

• Thirds: a third for the couple, a third for each family.
• By contribution: families who pay more get more places.
• A fixed number each: say fifteen guests per set of parents, chosen by them, on top of shared family.

Agree the split before anyone starts writing names, and write it down. If a family’s list is longer than its allocation, they choose who comes off, not you. How families divide the bill in the first place is covered in who pays for the wedding.

If you’re having two celebrations, such as a traditional ceremony and a white wedding, the guest lists don’t have to match. Customs vary from family to family, so talk to your elders early about who is expected at each.

A step-by-step process for cutting the list

1. Fix the number from the venue’s seated capacity and your budget.
2. Write separate lists. You, your partner and each set of parents write down everyone, without discussing it.
3. Merge and remove duplicates.
4. Sort into A, B and C, together.
5. Agree your rules and apply them across the whole list.
6. Cut the C list entirely.
7. Count. If you’re still over, trim the B list using the same rules, then look again at plus-ones and children.
8. Give each family its allocation and let them choose within it.
9. Lock the list before any save-the-dates go out. A save-the-date is a promise.

One more rule: don’t invite anyone to the kitchen tea or bachelor party who isn’t invited to the wedding. That’s the snub people remember.

Scripts for the awkward conversations

You don’t owe anyone a long explanation. Short, kind and consistent works best.

To a parent who wants more guests:

“We’d love to include everyone, but the venue seats 90 and every extra person costs us about R1 100. Could you choose your top fifteen?”

In Afrikaans: “Ma, ons wil regtig almal nooi, maar daar is net plek vir 90 mense. Sal Ma en Pa julle vyftien belangrikste mense kies?” (Mom, we really want to invite everyone, but there’s only room for 90 people. Would you and Dad choose your fifteen most important people?)

To a friend who isn’t invited:

“We’ve kept it to family and a few very close friends, so there are lots of people we couldn’t invite. We’d love to take you out for dinner when we’re back.”

To a colleague:

“We’re keeping it small, so we haven’t invited anyone from work. I’ll bring photos on Monday.”

To someone asking for a plus-one:

“We’ve had to keep it to partners we’ve met, purely because of numbers. You’ll know lots of people at your table.”

Then stop talking. The more you justify, the more there is to argue with.

Next steps

Fix your number this week, before any more names are mentioned. Then write your lists, agree your rules, and give each family its allocation in writing. Once the list is locked, word the invitations so they’re clear about exactly who’s invited; our invitation wording examples include lines for adults-only weddings and plus-ones.

Tarika plans weddings along the coast from Gqeberha to Plettenberg Bay, from a twelve-guest ceremony on the sand to a full day with a marquee, dinner and dancing. Send us your date and numbers and we’ll reply within a working day.